No time to wax philosophical today kids, Mrs. Dignam is sick and I have to get all my parenting in during the week so I can spend the weekend consuming as much football and beer as possible. ON TO THE PICKS!
Picks in CAPS
Cleveland at PITTSBURGH -14
Pittsburgh laid an egg against KC, only winning by 4, and when I went against them vs. Cincinnati, they laid the smack down. I’ve always hated the Steelers for how arrogant and entitled their fans acted when the Patriots faced them in two different AFC Title games, but NOW IT’S PERSONAL.
Indy at BALTIMORE -16.5
Get ready for a slew of “Baltimore Colts” references this week. Indy is so bad, the Pats played a WR at Safety last week, AFTER NOT TELLING HIM UNTIL THURSDAY that he’d be doing it. I’m pretty sure 10 of my friends and I could hang with the Colts.
Houston at CINCINNATI -3
Oakland at GREEN BAY -11
That’s three double digit favorites I’ve taken without hesitation. The Raiders might be the worst 7-5 team ever.
KANSAS CITY +10.5 at NY Jets
Poor Tyler Palko. He was yanked from last weeks game for Kyle Orton, who promptly broke his finger on his first play, so Palko had to come BACK IN. “Sorry Palko, you suck, you’re out.. wait, what? GET IN THERE PALKO!” This exact thing has been happening since April, only GOP voters are the KC coaching staff, Bachman/Perry/Cain/Newt is Orton, and Mitt Romney is Tyler Palko.
Minnesota at DETROIT -10
Minnesota is still without Adrian Peterson, right? And they have the only defense that has made Tebow look like a competent passer, right? And Detroit is suddenly Cobra Kai, cheating and smacking around refs and other coaches, so they’ll DEFINITELY run up the score, right?
New Orleans at TENNESSEE +3.5
New Orleans doesn’t really need this game, whereas Tennesse could steal the AFC South with the Texans suddenly playing DB Cooper or someone at QB.
Philadelphia at MIAMI -3
Michael Vick is back! Who would’ve thought that giving a skinny guy with a history of injuries a $100 Million contract might not be the best idea? On a panic scale of 1-10, my buddy who is the Eagles fan took the 7 and tried to cut his wrists with it.
NEW ENGLAND at Washington -8
Bill Belichick only cared about his patchwork defense giving up 21 straight points to the Colts because it gives him something to be negative about for the rest of the season. The ’07 undefeated regular season must have been hell for Belichick, because there were flaws he could see with that team, but there’s no way anyone was listening to him point them out, because they were smoking teams by 35 every week. Now if the Pats get too far over their skis, he can just bust out that Colts tape.
Atlanta at CAROLINA +2.5
You and I have known Atlanta sucks for a while now, and I think Cam Newton is gonna hang a 30 burger on them this week. Yes, I just wanted to say “30 Burger”.
Tampa Bay at JACKSONVILLE +2
This game must be hell for Fox News viewers. Tampa Bay has a coach named Raheem, and Jacksonville’s new owner is named Shahid Khan. Sarah Palin is going to toss the coin at this one and try to have both of them sent to Gitmo.
SAN FRANCISCO -4 at Arizona
I don’t know how this line isn’t 7 or more. The Cards are awful, and SF is still playing for the 2 seed, despite already wrapping up the NFC West. BTW, Kevin Kolb looks like the villain in every bad 80’s action movie.
Chicago at TEBOW -3.5
Am I allowed to say that I have a Teboner? Probably not, but I’ll try to get it past Millerick. Tebow’s success is really tough for a militant atheist like myself. Not because it makes me question my lack of faith, but because I have to deal with people thinking that god cares enough to cause Tebow 4th quarter comebacks, but not to stop malaria in Africa, cancer, etc. But as long as my wallet is getting fat, TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEBOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!
BUFFALO +7 at San Diego
I’m not buying this mini SD resurgence. Yes, the Bills are awful, but Norv Turner is a bad enough coach to make this thing close. If Norv isn’t fired at the end of this year, I’ll be convinced that he’s got naked pics of the Charger’s ownership.
DALLAS -3.5 at NY Giants
Tony Romo logic would dictate that, since the Cowboys can basically wrap up the NFC East here, he’ll turn into a Pick-6 machine in the 4th quarter, but I think Dr. Wayne Lesperance will be happy as his Cowboys send Tom Coughlin to Fired Coach Land with a win.
St. Louis at SEATTLE -5.5
Believe it or not, there’s a scenario where Seattle could make the playoffs if they win out. I’m already salivating at the thought of betting against Tavaris Jackson on the road in the playoffs!